Deadly Viper Assassination Squad
by BabyShotMeDown
Summary: Quirky, hilarity with a side order of smut. A story of learning love over lust, huge problems and more smut. Rated M for Language, lil violence and smut


**An experimentation of my humor and pop-culture skills (and to show off my fantastic taste in music a little). Anyways, this is OOC in parts. I gave everyone a bit of an exaggeration on personalities, styles and likings (hobbies and such). Most will deal with Bella and Edward. Some of the others.**

**Disclaimer: Anything referenced and/or quoted that is from book, movie, television and/or music belongs to their rightful owners. Only the overall plot and any made up characters belong to the author, BabyShotMeDown. No copyright infringement intended.**

**A/N: Also POVs will switch from Bella and Edward. I picture all the cast of the film as the characters. I am a Rob fan so deal if you don't like him. **

Bella

"_-They've got more beer than he's ever seen... And they've got girls on trampolines!_" I belted along with Ludo as I scrubbed down the cappuccino makers and counters. Hips swaying and using the ice scooper as my improved microphone. I went through the morning ritual of opening Caffeine Remedy. Forks' only café. Wipe every surface down, restock the breakfast and sweets shelves, sweep, mop and refill the sugar, creamer and flavors. Straighten chairs and bar stools. Windows, appliances, etc.

_Remedy_ as it was dubbed, was the "teen scene" in the tiny Washington town. It was owned by Angela Weber's hip, jazzy, hippie aunt. Her name was Corrine. She originally lived in New York and was like the older sister I craved to have. She listened to every quirky music genre, ate tofu and dressed like a chic gypsy. Long sun-bleached sandy tendrils, freckles over tan skin and easygoing light coffee eyes. She hired me along with her niece two years ago. She just turned to me, giving me a once over and said, you start Saturday morning, babe.

So now, during my summer before shipping out to being an intern for Filmmaker Magazine in Brooklyn, I'm working on getting to my goal of enough money for staying in an apartment with four other people in a two bedroom flat. I was near the five thousand mark. Charlie, my dad, agreed to pay for airfare and a three hundred a month allowance for food and essentials.

When the starting chords of Kashmir started I rocked out on my Les Paul cherry red sunburst air guitar. Angela came from storage, carrying freshly washed stirring tins and pretended they were her Chad Channing autographed air drumsticks. I sung Robert Plant's sweet acid induced ingeniousness. We made circuits around the shop, polishing any dull places.

Finally, after the sundial clock on the back wall read seven, we unlocked the doors for the early risers of Forks' youth.

The regulars of Remedy were like a cast of characters out of a Terrintino film. Angela and I could point out each role they would fit perfectly.

First was Mary Alice Brandon. Or Alice. The borderline midget fashionista. She was Gogo Yubari of Kill Bill Vol. 1. Cute, but psychotic. And for her obsession for anything anime or manga. She always came in looking like schoolgirl jailbait, short frilly skirts and knee highs included. Black spiky hair and sharp blue eyes.

Next was Rosalie Hale. Elle Driver, AKA: California Mountain Snake. Minus the eye patch. A straight up loaded bitch. Long blonde hair, curvaceous bod and a pole up her ass. But she was an odd one. She always had some new henna tattoo on a new spot. Hands, feet, even her face. But she damn well pulled it off. She was all Zen and Buddha with advice, then enjoyed playing any video game that promoted murder and mayhem.

Jasper Whitlock was Budd, AKA: Sidewinder. Originating from El Paso, he was all southern draw and cowboy boots. Blonde shaggy hair and wise sky colored eyes. He was the hippie of our pack. Played guitar and sang about Vietnam. And also saw Alice as his life's muse.

Then Emmett McCarty was Buck. Gold Aviators and his his Ford F350 pussy wagon. And the same motto. He loved to turn any phrase into an innuendo. Six foot four, built like the Terminator and a face of a baby. And on a short leash held by Rosalie.

Lastly and most importantly. Edward Cullen. The Snake Charmer. Ring leader and total badass. But a younger, sexier Bill. He was the guy every girl drooled over. Sex on legs. I so wanted to see his Hanzo sword, the best ever made... Always with windblown hair that was the strangest bronze, coppery shade. Like a worn penny. Emerald eyes that burned right into your soul and the most panty wetting crooked smile. Pale skin and a body chiseled by a Greek sculpture. I witnessed it when accidentally saw him changing out of his soaked clothes after running through a rainstorm when he and I went to the local park. I wore a slicker, being smart. He had extra clothes in the trunk and stripped. I learned that day, Edward loves going commando. It must be so obvious that I was completely in love with him... and wanted to get in his pants. Cullen was packing.

Angela named me Black Mamba. The ass kicking heroine. I snorted at that. Bill and Beatrix hooked up. Oh the getting off material for that...

And to complete the circle she was Bebe. So sweet and adorable. Angela grumbled, but it stuck. She was pretty tall, five foot nine and thin as a runway model. Sleek dark waves and light brown eyes. She wore vintage petal pink cat-eye glasses and her hair always in a ponytail.

We were in running with the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. We were a dysfunctional family. Sorta the small town rejects that no one understood. With our indie film references and bizarre trivia. Not to mention that we were always with one of the group.

When they came into the shop they all crowded around the jukebox table and took turns choosing songs.

Angela and I would bring their regulars. Alice: Decaf, peppermint frappachino. Rosalie: Non fat vente macciatto. Jasper: Hot chocolate and foam. Emmett: Iced vanilla frappachino. And Edward: Black coffee, two sugars.

Since no one came in at seven-thirty in the morning, we'd sit with them to fool around. I was sitting cross-legged on the table facing Edward and Alice. His feet, clad in scuffed Doc Martins rested in my lap. Alice was straddling her backward chair. Angela was sharing the seat with her, they were both that small. Emmett had Rosalie in his lap and Jasper was leaning up against the jukebox, being the official tune changer.

"So is everyone packed for the weekend?" Alice asked, eying Emmett, who always waits last minute to do everything. This weekend we were all camping in the meadow off a forest trail. We did it every summer since sophomore year. Two days of sitting around the fire, drinking boxed whine and fighting over who the best directors slash musicians were. Fun. Except Angela couldn't go. She had to leave to a summer church camp the next morning. We all nodded, excited for our small party.

"My turn!" Alice squealed when The Shadow Puppets finished with _I Don't Like You Anymore._ She jolted up, knocking Angela to the floor and causing all seven of us to bust out in laughter. Alice pulled her off the floor and pranced over to pick the next song. _Smoking in the Boy's Room_ began and we girls whooped and howled. Alice yanked Jasper out to dance. Predictably, we all followed, Angela and I both serving as Edward's partner.

He twirled us around and held us close to his sides. My heart was running a marathon. Each time he squeezed my waist I sucked in a breath. Angela, in her stealth, moved away to let Edward pull me into a swing style dancing. Picking me up and thrusting me around his hips, between his legs and into the air. I couldn't contain my giggles.

Soon it was time for the next song and Rose went to pick this time. She skimmed through and tapped on her choice.

The Coaster's _Down in Mexico_. My cheeks flushed with heat as Edward grabbed my hips and my lower back was up against his hips. We gyrated together to the jazz and soulful music. I was so aware of what was beneath his worn out jeans that I gave out a breathy moan. Dear sweet Jesus! Something was probing at my backside! Did I just give Edward Cullen a hard on? My blush reached my neck and the hardness behind me drove my behind to push closer into his crotch. His head fell onto my shoulder and I heard a faint "fuck" next to my ear.

"Damn kids! You're starting to fog the windows!" Corrine exclaimed, walking into the shop. Confident and tall. Her long turquoise skirt flowing around her, tunic a bright crimson, beads hanging in excess. She winked at us and went into the back lounge and office. She always came in a little late.

Corrine had unfortunately broke the spell between Edward and I and we put space between us. I sighed as I looked out the window to see the first of my customers for the day. Angela lowered the music volume and switched to some Feist. My friends all sat down and asked for refills. I peeked over a Edward to see him staring off into space, blank expression and unmoving.

Soon the shop was full with teens. Chatting and laughing. Some in groups, other's in couples. Among them was Jessica Stanley and her life long boyfriend Mike Newton. Lauren Mallory with Tyler Crowley. But someone sat in the far corner, reading a James Patterson novel and glancing up ever few seconds. It was Ben Cheney. I followed his gaze to see the back of Angela's head. I watched back and forth between them to see if my friend noticed her admirer. She was oblivious. I decided to give her a nudge.

"Ang, back table." I called from the ice bin. She shuffled over to him and asked him his order. They both blushed, smiled and looked down. It was so adorable. She looked reluctant to leave his table, but did and went to fill a styrofoam cup with Irish tea. I smiled, maybe she would get someone... That made me sigh.

As the morning passed, the group all said their goodbyes, leaving to whatever they had planned. We all agreed to meet up at the local diner for dinner then go off on our camping trip. Angela and I readied for the next few hours of work, taking orders.

Finally, hanging up my apron I set up the stairs to my room. Charlie was still at the station, pulling double shifts for my future allowance. I had my duffel bag packed. Took a shower and blow dried my hair. I searched for an outfit to wear for the night. White thermal, gray overall skirt, fire engine red tights, black flats and a blue sweater jacket that buttoned up diagonally. After sticking a red headband in my lazy brown curls I grabbed my bag, keys and dark brown leather messenger bag and left a note for Charlie.

My rusted Chevy pick up roared to life, groaning when I pulled out of the gravel drive way. Poor elderly Gladys. She was coming close to her end, thank goodness I wouldn't need a vehicle in the big apple.

The diner was somewhat crowded with more families than teens. I spotted the silver Volvo and BMW easily and parked between them. Inside they were squished into a booth at the back, waving me over. Angela was there too, probably to say goodbye. She'd be in Colorado for almost the entire summer.

Not having much space I had to basically sit halfway on Edward's lap. That lap made heat swirl in my cheeks. "Damn B, my lap in that dress?" he laughed. I rolled my eyes and patted his cheek.

We ordered cherry sodas and a large basket of fries with ranch dressing and honey mustard. All of us cracking harmless insults and me shoving dipped fries into Edward's kissable mouth, getting dressing all over his face. I was snickering loudly until he blurted, "now you gotta lick it off". I froze, eyes wide.

He smirked and lifted his head as to give me more access. I gulped and turned, officially straddling him and leaned over his angel's face. Just as I went to do as he told me, his face nuzzled mine, smearing the white dip all over. I growled and sucker punched his chest.

"Jeez Edward, your aiming's off. It's supposed to go in her mouth!" Emmett boomed, earning startled looks from the other tables. The rest of our group, except for Edward and I, sputtered with sniggers. I then got a wicked smile and wiped my face on his navy sweater. This made the others brake out in heavy guffaws. He mocked seething and flicked my nose. I played childish, huffing and swiveling back to face the other side, rubbing into his crotch on purpose. I heard him suck in a breath.

I noticed Alice and Angela giving my a knowing smile. They knew just how I felt about Edward. When we first became friends the two practically tortured it out of me. I made them swear to keep their mouths shut and not try to play matchmakers.

Soon we were filing outside and circling around our vehicles saying our farewells to Ang. I gave her my Chevy to drive after throwing my things in Edward's trunk. Hugging my friend I told her I'd miss her and climbed into the passenger seat of the Volvo. Edward got in and started the car, purring softly. He pulled out into the road toward the highway, setting his iPod to The Spill Canvas. I relaxed into the leather interior and hummed to the music.

We rode in silence for almost ten minutes until he broke it. "We're sharing a tent. So sorry if I roll on top of you."

I laughed quietly, not minding that at all. "That's fine."

"Really? So you'd be okay with me crushing you?"

I rolled my eyes, internally moaning of the image of him on top. "Not really, you're small enough."

"I am not small!" I snorted.

"Really now? That's not what I felt this morning." My eyes bugged, that was _not_ what I was going to say.

He went quiet, staring out the windshield. _Connect the Dots_ started and I shifted in my seat. Edward cleared his throat and gripped the steering wheel tighter. God I am such a retard.

After turning on to the trail he killed the engine and laid his head back, exhaling loudly. I averted my eyes to the dashboard. He then got out and went to pop the trunk. Rose's BMW pulled up beside us and everyone jumped out, grabbing supplies and their bags.

The walk to the meadow was about twenty minutes into the woods. The others joked and giggled, while Edward and I stayed silent. He walked ahead of me, holding branches back and helping me over fallen trees. His expression unreadable. I saw the clearing after a minute and we spaced out to set up tents. Emmett cursing loudly when his just collapsed.

The fire provided warmth as we sat around with plastic cups of the cheap wine and listening to The Ting Tings. Smores and wienies roasting. I looked over at Edward who was concentrating on the crackling flames, throwing an orange glow over his flawless face. I prayed that I hadn't screwed up any chance, if there was any, with him feeling the same way I felt about him.

Two am rolled around and we began to withdraw to the tents. Edward gave me privacy to change into my night clothes. A navy Forks High tee, green plaid short shots and gray high knit socks. I let him do the same before he called to say it was safe to come in.

I could make out his sitting form and went to huddle under my sleeping bag. He was on his i pod, the screen illuminating his face. I sighed and turned over to hide my frowning face. Soon enough he let out a long whoosh of air, killed the light of his i pod and settled down under his own bag. I pretended to be asleep and heard him move around. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the ache in my chest.

Sometime during the early morning I woke with a groan. My entire arm was asleep. I blinked out into the almost black tent, waiting for my to adjust and gasped. Edward was half on top of me, his face centimeters from mine, breath hitting my lips. His arm was thrown over my chest, fingers tangled into my hair. God he smelled so good. Spices, lemon and mint. But my arm was screaming in agony. I cleared my throat and pulled away slowly, wincing at the stabs in my limp arm. Edward grumbled and stirred, but was far gone from waking. I freed my limb and tried flexing all the muscles slowly, regaining feeling and control.

I looked back at him to see his arm resting directly on my crotch. I jolted up right in surprise, jerking Edward awake.

"What?" He croaked, alarmed. I stared at him then trailed down to my lap. He followed my eyes and flinched away.

"Oh, shit. God I'm so fucking sorry," he said, panicked and eyes wide.

His face was priceless. I fell back with obnoxious laughter, rolling around, tears surfacing.

His cheeks were beet red and his lips were twitching with a smile.

When I could breath again I nudged him. "If you said something earlier, I might've let you under the shorts."

Again with the word vomit. I saw his Adam's apple rise and fall as he stared. I felt my heart start to beat ten fold, throbbing in my ears. He leaned down, almost closing the space between us. "Bella..."

His eyes darted down to my lips, still leaning down more.

Kiss me! Kiss me! Please!

A high-pitched squeal echoed around us, sending both of us at opposite ends of the tent.

"Oh my God! There's a fucking frog in my pants!" Alice screeched.

Edward and I spewed laughter as we heard her screaming and yelling for Jasper to get it out.

So much for a kiss.

**How was it? Review please!**

**So what song do you rock out to on air guitar of drums?**

**BSMD**


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